tonight

tonight, im breaking down again.
so tired. i dont know why. dont even know when. all i know is, i want to escape.

i remember the night i ran away from a fight.
i remember the night she stroke my head.
the times she scratch my back and i scratch hers.
the times she bought cooking books for me.
the time we painted my room together.
the times i disturbed her when she was watching her favourite tv show.
i miss her. so much.
the only one who knew me and loved me.

you let me go when im not ready to leave.

5 months, and 3 days. 

muito

i hope im doing this right.


the 10th day of her absence. i could feel the longing for her calling out my name to do house chores. 


wish you well. best.
forever at peace.
eternity of happiness. 

亲爱的，奶奶

很对不起。对不起。对不起。 
我希望我能在重头做多一次。 
很对不起。
我永远不该让您做这些粗工。
很对不起。
我很想按磨您的脚。
对不起。
但一切已太晚了。
您，已登极乐。


我爱你，我；很想念您。 

interpretation

Have you ever wondered why some stayed, some left and some vanished?


Sometimes i thought well maybe its destined. For them not to be in my life and me in their lives. Maybe we were all meant to cross at each other paths for once only. Thats all we get, and how we utilize it is beyond the earth's control.


and sometimes i have this believe, that i'd like to hold my belief on. Is that, the reason they weren't there when you celebrate one of the important days in your life, is because you didn't want them to be. You see, we choose. Thats what we do, we choose what to eat, what to do next, which university to go to, or which career path to take, its all about choosing. So if someone come along and tell you, oh well maybe we're not destined together, he/she is literally shitting on your face.


yeah well,i'm quite sure i made everything clear ay, and thats pretty much about it.








goodmorning (: 

Have a little faith

wonder what they're doing right now cause i miss them. 

death itself is not scary. 

the scariest part about being dead is, the question - will they remember me?

down down down

what do you do when stress haunts you?
when the place you thought could bring peace was the one thats causing it what do you do?
what do you do when you feel a part of you is gone with the wind?
what do you do?

its easy to be happy.

but its not easy to be happy all the time.

and the first is what i manage to keep for a few moments.

sigh

cant believe i got a fucking 42 for my maths. and guess what? the whole paper is just me and my careless mistakes. fuck la


also breaking my record of 5 years for this damn mark. 
i always get at least 60 and above all the time for my maths and now i feel so fucked up.


urghhh!!!! 

damn i actually miss clubbing.


piles and piles of work. omg

Gun N' Roses

I know that you can love me, when there's no one left to blame


-November Rain

It feels like shes crying too, giving me comfort.
and that exact moment when she gave me her hand, i knew why i love her all along. 

What should i do when i miss you?

and

and to fall back into the same position again, im afraid.


and i have her to thank for. for all these nightmares i have.


and its not gonna end, it'll always be here with me, just like my shadow. 


and i can't say it.


ill have to pretend, nothing ever happened.

Hey babeh, i think i wanna marry you.

Endomembrane system

omg, please wish me luck for Biology test tomorrow! 


Hope everything doesn't sleep off from me tomorrow morning 


*fingers crossed*






Biology study in continuation (:

from above

There''s nothing i can do, just sit and wait. Sit and wait. 


I only want something so normal and simple, why is it so hard? 




Studying. aih

주르륵

Suffocate. 

And pumping in oxygen is not gonna work.

Acting like i don't care when you're around, and when you're gone. 

Crave. Hunger. Thirst. 

fuck this shit

Love, 爱 , Cinta

If its so easy, is not love. If its so simple, is not love. If love, can only be shown on valentine, is definitely not love. 

Happy Valentines (:

We're in heaven

Tried lying to myself, its not working. I still miss you. 
Reminds me bout a small part of To Kill A Mockingbird, a book i read, it says "he didn't forget, he's just hiding it burying it deep down ignoring it, and when he's ready to face it again, he'll. 
i think, thats what i've been doing.




Days passed, hours minutes seconds, bring the very day closer. And i hate that day. I hate it.


What made people become further apart, is what initially drew them together. But they've forgotten why, and how. I guess thats why they're drifting apart from one another. 


Im learning so much about myself these few days. It was surprising, yet wasn't very. A sudden realization perhaps.




Studying Biology. sigh

Make the container bigger

There's a story from Zen tradition about a young student who is suffering so terribly, he can't get a moment's rest. So he goes to his master to ask for help.
The teacher advices him to put a table spoon of coarse salt in a glass of water, stir it around, and drink it down. The student does as he's told. Of course the water tastes terribly salty. 
"Now" , says the teacher, indicating the spring that bubbling from the ground, "i want you to pour a tablespoon of salt into the spring water." The student does. When the student instructs him to drink the spring water, the student finds that the taste of salt is imperceptible.
"The problem is not the salt," says the master. "The problem is the container. You have to make the container bigger."






From the book Letters To Sam in Make The Container Bigger chapter. 

Every woman in the world

Women in love are simple. 
They only want to be there for you when you need them, and you to be here whenever.

Stereo love

How will i ever say i miss you again? The thought of classes will be commencing after today really stress me out. Im not ready for class. Like mentally. And its so weird, im still not used to the thought that ill be going to class like i did for weeks. Thought i'd be used to it already, well, i did. But now, thinking about it aches me as much. I guess im numb. Just numb. 
Have you ever had that feeling of heartache, hurts so much and you can't describe it you can't tell if its real or not, but you know, some part of you is missing, and is always for better. So you'd rather say nothing do nothing and just let time washes it off. Like a worn out leather, you can wipe it clean, keep it clean, but it'll always have that black spot.






When you love something, set it free. Don't expect it to come back, Don't expect anything. Let it go like you really intend to, because you know, seeing them better without you gives more satisfaction than anything.

people's favorite thing to do on me. 

Sun'd rise like yesterday

The shortest cny, the most happening not cny, must be these 2 days. By today, Friday night, my house fall back to the quiet house it has been for quite some time. And by tomorrow night, it'd be just 3 of us. How boring can this be?




And the foods in my house, mounting up like Everest, everyone seems to be so full and bloated with food but the amount of food is still that much! 

and more. wtf

Ending this post with, 

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone out there, and may the year of rabbit brings you joy and happiness.

Pa pa l' americano

Guess what? No more headache but coughs come in for substitution. what the hell is this.


Doing manicure, aaah what pattern should i have on my pink nails? (:










Trouble double.

That feeling, with every step you take is like a knife is stabbing you at the back of your thighs. Every step ahead, is like a challenge to stay balanced with groceries bags, wet floor, slippery slippers. Pretty much what i had to went through this afternoon.


Sick again as expected. Sore, headache, and serious flu. AND all of this started because of some continuous sneeze i had. wtf






还欠你的我不能给，别把我心也带走

i think im falling sick again. thefug.

Im here to help you notice the rainbow

I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting,

I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines

Waiting outside the lines

Waiting outside the lines

Try to have no regrets

even if it’s just tonight

How you gonna walk ahead

if you keep living blind?

I don't wanna miss a thing.

I just wanna stay here with you forever and ever. 

Cause even when i dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do.

Don't wanna close my eyes,don't wanna fall asleep.

after all these years, i guess i finally learnt something.


That when you're in love, don't use your head, follow your heart. What your head tells you, is gonna pain you, just down right deep down. It makes sense to people that it doesn't makes sense to not use head, after all we're all thinkers and thats why its there for.


But you know that feeling you get, you had something but not really having it and when you thought you have it, you actually don't and won't have it. Know that feeling? sigh


How should i express it in a way that it tells you exactly how i feel right now? Hm. No idea.
Getting over it soon. At least i hope. 








Got me a flower. and 

drama drama drama

fuckin' perfect.

Its not necessary a good thing. Well maybe it is, probably not for me, when people likes you and you don't like them back. And all the mess it creates, you never know. 








Welcome to my silly life
mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood.

"Why you keep doing that?"
"Do what?"
"This, (sigh)"
"Haha"

its so funny and sad at the same time, falling for a guy your close friend hates. 

one of the worst night of my life. fuck

Fridays

Watched the guys play futsal and then a drink and then back home.


Oh and i actually drafted one post in my phone while watching them play, but i figured its too emo-depressed-ish, shall update it on my diary then.






aih, i wanna play pool :(
whatever la, study!

“If people are truly, madly, deeply in love with each other, they will find a way.”

for the first time

Oh boy, i miss you like hell

close to coast

and the fantasy of life runs as we walk. play as we are eaten up bits by bits by the earth. speaks when we are mute. and it runs along that beach.

very random. 

“People say they love truth, but in reality they want to believe that which they love is true.”

Robert J. Ringer quotes

smudge.

Can you at least, pretend?
sigh 


Nothing is going well recently, not feeling good either. So far, im only looking forward to Saturday.
Those days i was looking forward to, changed so frequently that i don't think im looking forward to it anymore.
Its like crashing things i've been holding on to.


Sighing too much. 
Continue the rest of the post in diary.

Don't let me fall

Couldn't believe how easy can things change within days. How much change one can make. Inevitable. 




Anyway, 

HAPPY NEW YEAR (:

Had a bottle of Heineken with the guys and pool and poker cards.

Not too bad for a night.

Last day of work tomorrow, still recovering from fever cough and sore throat. 

big sigh.

Mad, frustrations, and disappointment.

Whats with love and everything that comes along?


It wasn't right to hope but i did. I believed you'd be here, but you weren't. You weren't. 

Another reason to smile

Happy Merry Christmas (: 

Though im not a christian or whatever, but yeah.

Working on both eve and Christmas day itself is no fun. sigh stress.

Not celebrating. Not doing anything special. Not feeling special. But i got something special. 

Another reason to smile.

3 hours of sleep for me, have to sleep now. Update soon? Maybe.

Good Evening! 

The long wait

Ahhh!! Finally! :D Night off from Quattro! :D

Fucking tiring to work as shooter girl kay, have to drink some more. But its okay la since the drinks is free and tastes good with some free cigarettes from customer as well and tips. Hmmm hey why do i feel like i'd missed a fun night?

Oh by the way, Quattro is in KL (: Somewhere near twin towers. I like the idea of that place, they have four seasons for different kind of place. Spring something, Autumn Club, Winter Bar, and Summer something. Very fun indeed. and yeah i just started not long ago on Wednesday night.

Okay, very tired already now. Updates soon ((:

I MISS MUSHYNESS!

May it be

Sometimes things are not what it is, sometimes promises are just tools to pass through another hardship, sometimes words aren't exactly what it is.


Seriously why and how come people never understand that you can't say the same things too many times it gets boring it gets annoying then it became irritating and anger rises. I mean how can people not know about it? Don't they know there's limit to everything we do? Say for an example, i have a friend he every single time he starts a conversation with me, he always starts by saying "Hi" then ill reply " Hello, how are you?" he replies me with "great / awesome / fine / (whatever there is)" then thats the end of the story! you see at the beginning its always like this then he'll ask me find a topic to talk about. Generally who the hell asks someone "find a topic to talk to" ? Shouldn't things and topics come flowing to you instead? OR 


Hi
Hello
How are you?
Good (:
great
So how are you?
awesome
good then
yeah
how was your day?
(explains)
what are you doing?
(explains)
ok


Normally this is it. After that he'll tell me he's busy or some sort when i actually wasn't replying him already. Because things get boring, when it gets boring it will be annoying then irritating. Unless you do it on purpose to annoy someone then i have nothing to say about that but that obviously wasn't on purpose. I may seem to look like the one who's boring here but trust me i've tried every way i could possibly find to talk about. But it always end up on complete full stop before i know it.


Its not your fault if you dont have good socializing skill, but it is your fault not trying to fix it. 

Knights of Cydonia

Spent 3 days to celebrate the big one eight with 3 different group of people in my life.


First day in my aunt's house, second out of the house with friends, third in house with family eat steamboat.


Though i wouldn't say that i truthfully enjoyed but i did had a great day. Oh no, 3 great days.


&thank you for all the surprises, oh you don't know how excited i was unwrapping presents, and to find out what-i-want is just beneath it. Its so very great and yes im still extremely happy.


And i want to thank my mum here for telling my aunt 'bout the thing i want yet couldn't get my hands on. Though if you must know, i never called her mum before. Or mi or ma, or mami or mummy. Never did. Because i think names shouldn't be called just for the sake of it but means it. 


Anyhow, will upload a few of the pictures taken later, on next post perhaps.

A RM150 cake from Alexis. 

Gives great desire for second piece, but its a wee bit too costly.

(Mum, x, Brother)

Birthday Sex

Happy Birthday to myself, i made it to the 18th year (:

Love it. 


丁噹 - 洋葱



如果你愿意一层一层
一层的剥开我的心
你会发现 你会讶异
你是我最压抑最深处的秘密

如果你愿意一层一层
一层的剥开我的心
你会鼻酸 你会流泪
只要你能听到我 看到我的全心全意
你会鼻酸 你会流泪
只要你能听到我 看到我的全心全意




Google Translate ; 


If you want one levelLayer of the peel open my heartYou will find that you will be shockedYou are my most suppressed secret of the deepest
If you want one levelLayer of the peel open my heartYour nose will run, you will tearAs long as you can hear my heart I seeYour nose will run, you will tearAs long as you can hear my heart I see

呐闷

Can i die? 

seven sien dou omfg. SIGH

Chasing Cars

Has it become a necessity to lie or is it just me couldn't accept fact that the world is filled with lies?

Hurt me with truth i'd appreciate. But don't hurt me with lies, i can not afford it.

Sometimes i'd rather think of it as a challenge, something to challenge on trust, in truth it wasn't a challenge but a show hand. 

Things can change in a split of second what more months? I wouldn't mutter a word, i wouldn't spill the beans, i wouldn't make it hard for you, i wouldn't let awkward pauses happen, because i cherish what we had and have.

If you can't be there when im bored, don't expect me to be there when you are. Because nothing comes easily, work hard you may have what you want, zero work guarantees nothing. 

What i want to say is, im tired. Of all this. 

p/s this post is posted for several people. that explains the randomness. On top of that, i know pretty damn well they wouldn't care to read, they might even forgotten i've a blog thats alive.

. you

tired of making plans with people who don't gives a shit, __|__  nah

fuck you, fuck you very very much.

Heartbeat

im not happy.

go die please urgh!

Sampai syurga

Sampai syurga ku menunggu sampai syurga ku cinta mu, hanya kamu..


A shoulder to lean on,  a shoulder to cry on, a person whom you can complain to, a person whom understand you throughly, a person who won't do the same thing over again
i had all these people, for a short while. I'd like to say i miss them alot. I miss the way i could say something without meaning it. I miss the days i could just hang out and not think about anything else. I miss those. 






Listen to, Yang Terindah by Dakmie alright, good song. 
OH don't gimme that omg-its-a-malay-song look, its a great song. 
Just listen will you? (:

Na na na na na na na na

Its weird for me to admit this, but actually. I miss the days at home without anybody else but me and my brothers and is only yesterday my sister grandma including others came back from trip. Suddenly the house is filled with noise i've been hearing for 18 years but still couldn't get quite used to. 

& i miss the room i just cleaned.. its dirty again + messy, thanks to my sister and cousin.

2nd last final test is tomorrow i haven't revise anything yet. I feel like stabbing myself to death.

Whenever i try to study is like there must be distractions you know. Just like yesterday while i was in the library, 2 person simultaneously messaged me, just when i thought "Okay, i should study now." damn.

Searching jobs for holiday after finals (:

Think ill be working in pubs?

Not so much of updates now.

Trashy

you make me feel.


Never really understood what i want
Never really understand how i felt.
Never really know why.
Never bother asking twice.
Never bother knowing.


&every time i thought i could write a million words post about you, my mind got stuck whenever i try to explain the way i feel about you and how you made me felt.






Perhaps its nothing, just foax. 

Meaningless

The Chinese saying "When you're home you depend on your family, when you're out you depend on friends."


Well i guess have neither.


Do you really think i like asking you for something? I hate it. I hate it. 
Do you think i'd bother talking to you? 
Do you think i like begging for something I had been yearning for years?
Do you think i like doing things i don't enjoy?
Do you think I don't know you're lying?
What is so tough in telling me you don't wish to give it to me?
Think about it bitch. 
& who are you? Oh yeah, my "family".






Don't ask me for anything in future, I'd treat you the same way __|__

Untitled

All i needed you to do, is to ask why and counteract.

But its alright, i know where its going.

Im staying right here.

The last man

OH i love love love love love love CLINT MANSELL & i can't say i love it more! ((((: im SO taken by him/her. Be it straight / lesbo i dont care, i love his/her song ohmaigod.

anyway, im not in a good mood because my finals is in less than 5 weeks approximately 4 weeks time sigh, and my chemistry still suck like hell. what the hell.



晚安 (:

Time for miracle

I don't know if i could if this is the way things are going.
I need assurance, but you fail to give.
You do one today, and you do another tomorrow.
You kept your options open, i left mine reserved.
Thats not the way, it should be.
I won't consider no more, let the wave of life bring me back to land.

lights are down low, low like the late evening sun.

I find stupidity in things i do. I find naive hiding behind my face. I find fools seeking for me.


No longer certainty but doubts.


Not the matter of time. Not the matter of distance. But the matter of space in between.


Not the same anymore.


and, thats how i feel about you.

Take me, to the magic of the moment

I don't have rich relatives. I'm not born eating with golden spoon. I don't have a happy-go-lucky family. I don't see my parents everyday. I don't have the best siblings. I don't own the perfect attitude. I don't look perfect. I don't talk much. I don't have Mac. I don't have IPhone. I don't have my own room. I don't have a walk-and-count-till-you-die wardrobe. I don't own expensive things. I don't have beautiful house. I don't have dogs that bring in newspaper. 

But why does it even matter?

Though i don't have rich relatives, they still bring me out for dinner, for supper, for breakfast, for lunch, for tea. I wasn't born in rich family like some, but it doesn't matter, because the maximum enjoyment and pleasure for something you have is not the one bought by anybody else but yourself with all the hard earn money. I don't see them everyday then it makes the time we had much more worthwhile and the true appreciation of it. Brothers and sister might not be the best, they buy me no gift, they send me no wish but its alright, i know they love me as much as i do. Perfect attitude towards things, people, situation, i don't have so? That is what make me, me. I don't look perfect all time, is the imperfection after all that makes someone special no? I don't have a topic to bring up every time i talk to someone, well at least i won't annoy. I don't have luxuries to enjoy but i have a phone to call, a phone to text and no credit card debt to settle. I don't have my own room but i have the luxury to enjoy company of a sibling. I don't have clothes that i can wear for a month without repetition but i have all that i need in a single, 2 door sided cupboard. I'll appreciate better with things i buy with money exchanged with sweat time and age. A simple house tells me, life can be simple too. They won't carry it in, so ill work my ass a little.

Count your blessings the next time you want something. What you thought you deserve, some people should have had it already. Think once, twice, trice - make decision. 

Life is happier when you have little things, simpler things, because better things don't always come in complex and big package. 

Just a random thought, i think im going to sleep soon. 

Good Morning Earth (:

This, life.

Today is such a hot hot day isn't it?  ♥ it 


Finished my classes early today usually ill finish around 5 but due to my history lecturer took leave we had our very own student leave too. OH gawd, i miss her monotone voice that boosts sleepiness. 


Here's something i'd like to share. 
As i was in a busy and noisy shuttle bus earlier, it stopped by a medical centre. A lady with a child came in, the child walked a few step front and paused, the look of the the face shows uncertainty. From what i guessed, she's not older than nine but she has chest showing the formation that happens to a physically matured female. She has this look that people around would know she's not like us, that she's mentally retarded. It really is a sad thing to see although these cases happens everywhere round planet. Back to the story, the girl and the lady stood at the side as it was crowded. Then there's these two person they stood up wanting to let the seats to the lady and child, the lady blocked them halfway from standing up and using a rather loud tone saying no. They continue standing there until i left the bus. 
What i understood was the lady is probably tired of having people giving seats to her because of the child or maybe she's an ego person that don't want to look weak. Either way, if she's mother to the child, its no doubt she's not regretting anything. She's happy. Like the child. 
Is things like these that made life more meaningful, and worthwhile even with all the problems, complications. She has made me a better person just by doing that. It's what i learned not what i doubt. 


Continuing from the above, giving seats to needy can make two parties's day a better one. Whenever i take bus, i give seats to the old, or pregnant lady. Its something against myself if i don't, i feel horrible if i don't. Even when they decline because i was carrying mad loads of books and files i gestured them to sit no matter. And all i get was a smile and just two words, thank you. Indeed is true that is not what the present is but the value and thoughts of getting a present. 


In this world of ours, life is getting tougher with challenges, competition, and complications, all in all the negative charges.If we don't stop it from taking away all the fun we could have there really is no point in living anymore. 


Hoped you guys learn what i learned from this (: Good day!